Give Me the Chocolate

A few weeks ago, I popped into the gift shop where I work to get some chocolate to help me through a slow afternoon. I avoid the gift shop for a few reasons, which totally align with some of my 2018 New Year’s resolutions, like limiting my sugar intake and cutting down on unnecessary spending. See how I’m already failing?

So back to the chocolate…sometimes a girl just needs chocolate, so I walked in with my $1 bill to buy a pack of peanut M&Ms. I’m getting ready to pay when I looked up and saw this sign that so perfectly describes my life lately. Caffeine…check, chaos…double check, and cuss words…yeah. The mental struggle began. I love this sign, but I don’t NEED it. Be a responsible adult and back away slowly with your M&Ms. “I’ll take that sign, please.” The option to pay via payroll deduction is a trap. So much for the New Year’s resolutions…

I took my sign home and thought about just returning it the next day, but the more I looked at it, I began to think about the negativity that is so often attached to the word “chaos.” Yet it so accurately describes much of my life…

• Kids = chaos
• Girl Scouts = chaos
• Love life = chaos
• Southern girl driving in Alaska winters = total CHAOS
• Work = sometimes chaos, sometimes a vacation from the rest of my chaos

The Oxford Living Dictionary defines chaos as “complete disorder and confusion.” Nailed it. The irony of my life being chaotic is that I am incredibly organized and disciplined, but still can’t get my shit together sometimes. Since having my first child, my life has been a constant ebb and flow of chaos. I have not lived up to the expectations I had for myself as a mom. My kids will never misbehave in public. My kids will eat only healthy foods and go to bed on time every night. I will never yell at my kids. We will have a schedule and follow it religiously. I refuse to be that mom who lets myself go after having kids. I’m here to tell you, friends, that I failed my expectations miserably. 

Do I really want to admit that my life is chaos and have this sign reminding me of that every day? Yes, I do. I put that little sign right by my coffee maker because you know what? Life is not perfect. Sometimes it is calm and predictable. Sometimes it is absolute freaking chaos, and that’s okay. So even on the days when it is chaotic, I’m learning to embrace it. Screw the negativity, screw the expectations that weren’t realistic anyway, and screw the ridiculous mom competition and guilt that makes us all feel inadequate. Instead, I am practicing gratitude for all of it…the caffeine that wakes my tired butt up in the mornings, the chaos that exhausts me every single day, and the cathartic cuss words that help me express my intense emotions. Embrace the chaos, my friends.